Hot Like Sauce » The Bro Code

The Bro Code: Article 141

Steele — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 06:00:01 +0000

Article 141: A Bro can only get a manicure if:

(a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) it’s been longer than a month since his last manicure.

It’s called the Bro Code, not the Slob Code.

The Bro Code: Article 140

Steele — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:00:52 +0000

Article 140: A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date.

The Lemon Law

The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked Predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator’s time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you’re out the door.

The Bro Code: Article 139

Steele — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 06:00:29 +0000

Article 139: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, “Broadway” begins with “Bro”.

The Bro Code: Article 138

Steele — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 06:00:46 +0000

Article 138: A real Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.

Exception: Unless he doesn’t know the guy.

The Bro Code: Article 137

Steele — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 06:00:53 +0000

Article 137: When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.

The Pizza Equation

p = 3b/8

p = number of pizzas (rounded up to nearest integer)
b = number of Bros (including yourself)

The Bro Hunger Coefficient (h)

h(b) = m / t

m = gravitational mass of the Bro
t = time elapsed since Bro last ate

The Bro Code: Article 136

Steele — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 06:00:49 +0000

Article 136: When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested “It was okay”.

Corollary: A Bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring home from a bachelor party is one that can only be destroyed by penicillin.

The Bro Code: Article 135

Steele — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 06:00:39 +0000

Article 135: If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot:

(1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

The Bro Code: Article 134

Steele — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 06:00:19 +0000

Article 134: A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman.

Since the dawn of man, Bros have spoken in hushed tones about a wingman with powers so awesome, one wink could summon a dozen hotties to your side. I’m speaking, of course, about the wingwoman. Think of it—if your wingman already knows what women want to hear, isn’t that an advantage far greater than having a lot of money, a full head of hair, or even a speedboat? Yes, and the best part is that wingwomen do exist. To acquire one, though, you’ll need to overcome the sexist misconceptions that so often scare chicks away from helping Bros bang other chicks.

The Wingwoman: True or False?

A wingwoman has to pee too much.	False. A Chick’s bladder is smaller but easier to control. How else can a theater full of chicks sit through The Lake House?
A wingwoman never buys drinks.	True. But your expenses are offset by other dudes buying her drinks.
A wingwoman is distracted by gossip.	False. What Bros see as just high-pitched prattle, women read as a complex discussion held secretly in body language.
A wingwoman will seem like my girlfriend.	True. But nothing attracts women more than a dude with a girlfriend.

The Bro Code: Article 133

Steele — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 06:00:43 +0000

Article 133: A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.

Exception: “Pull my finger.”

The Bro Code: Article 132

Steele — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 06:00:57 +0000

Article 132: If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancé and results in a “no sex” penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ.

A bride thinks of her wedding day as the happiest day of her life. A groom thinks of his wedding day as the saddest: his marriage signifies the death of Broing out with his Bros. But there’s a simple way for the groom to send his Bros out with a bang . . . bridesmaids.

Squeezed into ugly identical dresses, bridesmaids have one goal: to get out of them. Studies have shown that a cocktail of jealousy, Bros in formal wear, and well, cocktails make a bridesmaid one of the most accessible chicks on the planet.

The Bro Code: Article 131

Steele — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 06:00:52 +0000

Article 131: While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.

The Bro Code: Article 130

Steele — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 06:00:55 +0000

Article 130: If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.

The Bro Code: Article 129

Steele — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 06:00:08 +0000

Article 129: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.

The Bro Code: Article 128

Steele — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 06:00:17 +0000

Article 128: A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code . . . half naked from the waist up, naturally.

The Bro Code: Article 127

Steele — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 06:00:28 +0000

Article 127: A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying “I love you, man” to all his Bros.

MAC—Memory Assisstance and/or Correction—often comes into play around the holidays because when people gather together with loved ones, the need to drink alcohol increases exponentially.

The Bro Code: Article 126

Steele — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 06:00:06 +0000

Article 126: In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.

Pre-Strip Club Checklist

Converted sufficient funds to singles in the local currency.
Hid ATM and credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare “twins” scenario.
Got drunk.
Planted fake “movie producer” business cards on person where they might “accidentally” fall out into cleavage of dancer(s).
Pledged to avoid dancers with names like Smokey, Hepatitia, and Thunder.
Turned off heat/AC in apartment, saving both utility costs and the environment.
Not wearing jeans.
Read in-depth synopsis of movie girlfriend thinks you’re going to see.

The Bro Code: Article 125

Steele — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 06:00:37 +0000

Article 125: If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.

The Bro Code: Article 124

Steele — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 06:00:11 +0000

Article 124: If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.

The Bro Code: Article 123

Steele — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 06:00:53 +0000

Article 123: Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It”, which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.

The Bro Code: Article 122

Steele — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 06:00:23 +0000

Article 122: A Bro is always psyched. Always.

If you’re having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a Bro psyched, you can always make yourself a “Get Psyched” mix.

Classic “Get Psyched” Songs

“You Give Love A Bad Name” — Bon Jovi
“I Wanna Rock” — Twisted Sister
“The Humpty Dance” — Digital Underground
“Don’t Stop Believin’” — Journey
“You’re The Best Around” — Joe Esposito
“Lick It Up” — KISS
“Paradise City” — Guns ‘N’ Roses
“Tom Sawyer” — Rush
“The Transformers Theme” — Vince DiCola with Optimus Prime
“Dancing With Myself” — Billy Idol
“Rock You Like A Hurricane” — Scorpions
“Come Sail Away” — Styx
“Free Bird” (second half only) – Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Panama” — Van Halen
“Jessie’s Girl” — Rick Springfield
“Talk Dirty To Me” — Poison
“Thunderstruck” — AC/DC
“High Enough” — Damn Yankees
“Hip Hop Hooray” — Naughty By Nature
“Dr. Feelgood” — Mötley Crüe
“Round And Round” — Ratt