If you didn’t laugh at the original and still don’t laugh at the remix, you probably don’t think anything is funny and in turn nobody likes you as a human being. Just kidding, but seriously.

Best Cry Ever

It’s not right to laugh at other people’s misfortune… yadda yadda yadda. As if the original wasn’t hilarious all ready.

I Love Lasagna!

In the original a young girl simply confesses her love for lasagna; however, the remixer turns it into a theme song for lesbians everywhere.

Double Rainbow

I’m not sure if the guy in the original just loves nature or lots of drugs but with auto-tune added, I’d say both.

Gingers Have Souls!

While this ginger pleads his case in the original the internet just took the extent to which his life sucked to a whole new level.

I’m sure I missed some other great ones, drop the links below to your favorites.

The Target

The Original Image w/ Background

Leave your captions as comments below.

Refrain from punishing the innocent girl in the photo. Wrong place, wrong time, you know?

And thank you to whoever took this. Possibly the greatest picture ever taken… in the world… by humans.

Hilarious take on what Phish sounds like from the point of view of someone who doesn’t like jam bands. Hat tip to Live Music Blog for the great find via YEMBlog.

By now many of you have probably heard about the ESPN story that was pulled which didn’t exactly portray Lebron James in a good light. The story, written by Arash Markazi, was posted to ESPNLosAngeles.com last Wednesday only to be pulled down hours later. Markazi “tells it like it is” as he recounts the night he spent partying with Lebron James and his friends in Las Vegas last week outting Lebron for the stuck up, narcisistic, douche bag that he is. I won’t even begin to outline the numerous examples of his douche-baggery, the article itself does that perfectly.

Though the story was quickly pulled, using my great knowledge of the interwebs I dug up a screen capture of the entire article (see below).

Arash Markazi, we here at Hot Like Sauce would like to thank you for not sucking up and publishing a fluff piece with cute anecdotes from a night out with the star. If you lost your job or your job is in jeopardy at ESPN we would like to offer you a position here at Hot Like Sauce. We cannot offer any reimbursement but we will always publish whatever you submit. Seriously, anything.

Arash Markazi thank you; Lebron James fuck you, you giant piece of shit.

Just like him, many people in the southwest are giving up the drug war for a new life and a fresh start. As the Mexican drug war continues with scores of bodies, drugs, or guns being found in various repositories around the desert, men are walking away from the drug war to pursue other enterprises.

One man from Ciudad Juarez spoke with HLS news service on conditions of anonymity because on the social stigma associated with not running drugs. “There’s good money in drugs,” he says, “but I made loco amounts of cash stealing credit cards last weekend in Dallas… Without a gun!”

Other men have been experimenting with auto theft, forgery, and counterfeiting. Also, many Home Depots have seen a spike in loitering in recent weeks, but authorities say it is unrelated.

To compensate for the loss of machismo in committing these pússy-crímes as they are called in Spanish, these would be drug runners let their anger out in yoga and spinning classes that have become recently affordable for the new middle class criminal.

Some States north of the border have thrown up their arms in the face of the drug madness. Case in point, Arizona’s aw-fuck-it-lets-just-impose-martial-law-law, has forced some Central Americans to go to Universidad or anywhere that is not Arizona. When asked for comment on this growing trend, a leading Mexican drug kingpin said, “Fuck you gringo, drugs are awesome.”

Other gangs have reached out to these drug dealer defectors with job offers. Asian, Italian, Irish and Russian gangs have picked up many of these free agents and put them to work in real money making enterprises such as racketeering, gambling, and politics. But many are sticking to the bread and butter of capitalism: Making money off stupid people.

One recent immigrant living in southern California said, “I can make mucho better money playing Mariachi to drunken suburbanites in my overpriced Mexican restaurants, and now I only put Coke up my butt when I want to.”

The Johnny Deuce Motel, one of several “no-tell motels” around the state has added a 24-hour coin operated confessional booth to clear good people of their all-too-recent moral lapses.

Johnny Tusecki, owner of the motel which offers three-hour room rentals, had this to say:

“I was thinking to myself one night, what actually is the greatest thing since sliced bread? That’s when I came up with it. It’s the same concept really. I mean, people are going to eat bread, right? You can’t stop them, so why not slice it for convenience? Well, people are going to have indiscriminate sex with strangers and call girls too, so why shouldn’t they be able to confess in a convenient location? It‘s the same thing.”

The confessional booth, which is located directly beside the vending machines, is staffed by three local priests alternating 8-hour shifts, allowing the booth to remain open 24-hours. This time leniency attracts many customers from the late-night bar scene.

Tusecki says that the impact the booth has had on his business is immeasurable.

“We used to only get your average Joe’s coming in here. But since the booth it’s been different. Now we get respected community leaders, politicians, school teachers, foreign dignitaries, all kinds of folks really.”

With this sudden influx of new business, Tusecki has been forced to employ more people as well as start an advertising campaign.

Every night around 2 A.M., Tusecki sends local teens to the bars wearing signs that read:

“GOD HAS NO LAST CALL.

SPEAK TO HIM AS NEEDED.

JOHNNY DEUCE MOTEL.”

“We’re trying to send a message as well as offer a service,” Tusecki concluded, “We’re saying not to be ashamed of who you are. We’re saying that if you want to fuck this hooker, that’s cool. God made you and he made your impulses too. All he wants is a little shout out afterwards. Now you can do the whole job here.”

Stolen from the guys over at College Humor.

Fuck. That. Noise.

To only cause further uproar over the idea, Lieberman tries to back himself with the wrong argument.

“Right now, China can disconnect parts of its Internet in times of war.
We need to be able to do that too.” — U.S. Senator Joseph Lieberman

Sorry Joe, but citing China being able to do that is a reason we shouldn’t implement something like that.

The uproar has caused many people to strongly voice their opinion on the PCNAA.

Cumulonimbus Frisbee Hot Like Sauce’s Contributor

“Joseph Lieberman can have my interweb when he pries it from my cold dead hands.”

Arnold Vinick U.S. Senator

“We have put into motion efforts to pass another ‘Kill Switch’ bill that would allow the smarter politicians to not kill but incapacitate stupid ones like Lieberman. In times of crisis or important votes, we could then essentially remove all the morons like Lieberman, hopefully we can even wrap Ann Coulter into it somehow.”

Kyle Dillinger Student

“Dude, can’t we have some kind of kill switch on Lieberman…No I do mean kill him. The guys old right? He’s probably got some kinda pacemaker you could disable with frequencies and circuits like on 24…No, I don’t know exactly how to, but Jack Bauer does.”

Dillinger submitted this rough draft for his “Lieberman Kill Switch”.

My reaction would be something along the lines of this:

• I feel like I won’t live a completely fulfilled life if I can’t grow Samuel L. Jackson’s facial hair in Pulp Fiction. Then again, he probably wouldn’t allow it.

• Everyone stop worrying about the world ending in 2012, cause I’ve got the facts.
  December 21st, 2012
  • The Mayan calendar end-date.
  • Samuel Jackson’s birthday.

  If given his powers, would you allow the world to end on such a joyous day? I think not, plain and simple.

Side note: If given the opportunity, dupe as many hot dumb chicks as you can into thinking the world really is ending. Cash in on the “last day of sex” you have, then console said dumb hot chick(s) when the world doesn’t end with “new era” sex. (P.S. Giddy what up!)

Atheists always use rape as an argument for justifying killing because they want to justify abortion. But is rape really that bad? It’s a horrible experience but you get over it with time. If you use it to justify murder you’re never going to get over it. Imagine you have a painful divorce. Would you murder your children after because they remind you of your ex husband? Of course not. I think any woman would easily tell you that a painful divorce is worse than rape but it’s not an excuse to kill your baby, so why is rape?

Christian women can also take a lot more than atheist women. Maybe this is part of the reason that atheists get so hung up about this. Christian women can turn to Christ or worship God in their hearts and endure great suffering. I’m not belittling it but think about it, no amount of suffering from rape is as great as the suffering our Lord suffered on the cross for our sins. You are the one who has to ask more true Christian women about this. You’re out of touch and trying to make a big deal out of something just for shock value.

Jesus Christ, whoever you are, you are a moron.

The following texts were released by porn star Joslyn James, sent to her from Tiger Woods.

Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you

Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
I would wear you out

Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust

Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten

Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around

Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
And punish you for not seeing me more

Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth

Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy

Sent: 10:23 AM 09/08/2009:
So when can i have that ass again

Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009:
I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but i will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before i go : )

Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you

Sent: 01:29 PM 09/08/2009:
Just morbid curiosity

Sent: 03:42 PM 09/08/2009:
Hurry so i can come in that ass

Low blows are not only allowed but encouraged.

Interviewer: Any favorites among the Oscar nominees?

Joe Biden: Yeah, a-a-as a matter of fact, we do. Um, and uh, um, I, I think the uh, one of the odds-on favorites, Jill didn’t go with me, but is, um, is, uh, this uh, this, this, this new program that I looked at it and wished I were seeing it in 3-D. And you sit there and you watch this science fiction thing unfold in front of you. I think…

Interviewer: Avatar?

Joe Biden: Avatar.

Hot Like Sauce contributor The Watcher serenades you with his recorder in this intimate recording session.

Titled Bigger and Blackerer, the CD/DVD combo will feature material recorded from Cross’s performance at Boston’s Wilbur Theatre. The package is slated to drop May 25th; tune into Epix for a special airing of the video portion on April 10th.

This release will mark the first time in over 7 years that Cross will release brand new material in either CD or DVD form, the last being in 2004.

Prepare for hilarity to ensue.

Check out the album art and CD tracklisting below.

Bigger and Blackerer Tracklisting

1. Opening Song (The Sultan’s Revenge)
2. If You Care
3. That One Show About Drugs and Stuff
4. Me and Drugs
5. Black Stuff
6. …Or Worse
7. Where We Are Now Back in Sept. ’09
8. Silly Religious Crazies
9. REALLY Silly Religious Crazies. I Mean, Double, Triple Crazy!!
10. Random Goofabouts
11. I Can’t Get Beer in Me…
12. Lesson Learned

“And what do you do?”
- Queen Elizabeth II, to British guitar greats, Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck, and Brian May.

“Are you a guitarist, too?”
- Queen Elizabeth II, to Led Zeppelin’s Jimmy Page.

“Have you been playing a long time?”
- Queen Elizabeth II, to rock legend Eric Clapton.

All took place at a  reception for British music industry at Buckingham Palace, March 2005.

Learn these rules, and be your own police! It saves lives, and shrinks the government.

• When trapped by an attacker, do not struggle. Use your head. Headbutt him and then pin him.
• If your attacker has a knife, use your gun to disarm him.
• If your attacker has a gun, so what – your gun is bigger (I assume).
• If you’re in a situation where someone has gotten the jump on you, well, I don’t know what to tell you. You blew it. That’s on you.
• If your opponent is smaller than you, it should be no problem to defeat him. If your opponent is bigger than you, suck it up. Nobody said this was going to be easy.
• There are two types of attackers: junkies and punks. Junkies are more unpredictable and anxious to get to their next fix. Punks just drive me nuts. Get a job.
• When in doubt, go for the nuggets.
• Since the attacker may go for your nuggets, you should always wear a cup. That goes for females, too.
• If all else fails, smash something that is hard against something that is their bone.
• You know what? I shouldn’t even have to give you these tips. You should take care of your business, and I’ll take care of mine. And when we meet out there, we’ll see who’s the more fully-formed man, and who’s the coward.

DISCLAIMER: I am a human man. Am I technically qualified to dispense this type of advice? No. If that kind of thing is important to you, then leave now.