“Sometimes when I’m bored I go around knocking Asian women’s babies out of their arms yelling ‘WHOOPS DROPPED YOUR CALCULATOR!’”

“GUYS IT’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE TODAY!!!! (just checked my weather app)”

“Heard models eat cotton balls dipped in orange juice when hungry. Don’t have any, so using marshmallows and ranch. Can’t wait to be skinny!”

“The best part of this song is when you shut up and let me listen to it.”

“I’ve spent more time on finding a new desktop wallpaper than I have on decisions that will affect my entire life.”

“If it existed, my roommate would win the award for un-smoothest person ever. And then he’d trip over a kitten and drop the trophy on a baby.”

“I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.”

“Does General Mills outrank Captain Crunch?? I don’t know much about the Cereal Military.”

“It’s probably offensive to Native Americans if you call your journey to get a McRib a ‘vision quest.’”

“Most men born in the 1800′s would roll over in their grave if they saw how much we allow women to talk nowadays.”

“I forgot to tell you guys I’m at the gym so if you need to get ahold of me I’ll be at the gym and I’ll talk to you after I leave the gym.”

“Hey ladies, want to know what’s so great about a handjob?

I can do it myself. So stop those.”

“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t manufacture methamphetamine in the living room.”

“1 Mississippi is enough.”

“A.) Good joke should B.) Clever if you C.) What I mean.”

“I will rip off your logic and make passionate sense to you.”

“I really hope people who have heart attacks in public realize they’re making it super awkward for the rest of us.”

“No, actually, my parents loved me a great deal. I’m just awful for no reason.”

“Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.”

“I bet Pakistan tries to make us a mix tape soon.”

“’Can I have extra money for no real reason?’ (The Thought Behind Coffee Shop Tip Cups)”