The Watcher
Alabama ‘No-Tell Motel’ Adds 24-Hour Confessional Booth
“God has no last call. Speak to him as needed. Johnny Deuce Motel.”
Metaphor Challenges Irony And Sarcasm To Debate
“Listen here, it’s like if twenty-year-old Mike Tyson challenged old-ass Bernie Madoff to a boxing match. Ain’t no thing.”
World’s Youngest Baby Dethroned Again
David Lightfoot, announced as the world’s youngest baby two-and-a-half seconds ago, has been replaced in his capacity by Vietnam’s Hong-Su Chan.
Congressional Hopeful Issues Preventative Apology: ‘I’m Going to Nail My Interns’
“Also I hate black people.”
Grim Reaper Loses License, Forced to Take Part-Time Job
Hot Like Sauce brings it to you first… The Better Business Bureau has officially black-balled the man they call Grimmy.
University’s Youngest Fraternity Adds Veteran to Next Year’s Spring Break Roster
Kipper’s a soft spoken guy, but he’s the real deal. I think his stats speak for themselves.
A Day In The Life: The Watcher
7:00 AM
Alarm goes off. Realize this is actually Scarlett Johansson’s alarm on the other side of the bed, go back to sleep while she cooks breakfast.
Great Quotes From History: Randy Moss
Reporter: “If you don’t write checks, how do you pay these guys?”
What They Should Have Said: James Cameron
And thus, the pattern of illegitimate victors continued throughout the evening, culminating in James Cameron’s over-priced, sci-fi, fuck fest on wheels “Avatar” taking down the prestigious award for “Best Picture – Drama.”
Browns Complete Four Passes, Tie Franchise Record
In practice Wednesday, Browns quarterback Derrick Anderson completed 4 passes on only 31 tries.
Bob Barker Revealed as Founder of Decades-Old Underground Dog Breeding-Ring; says ‘Fuck the Pet Population’
It was revealed today that the legendary ex-host of the Price is Right founded an underground dog breeding ring in the 1960s called “Puppies for Puppies.” The group, which consists of 200 members nation-wide, can be identified by their black bandanas and t-shirts which read: “Neutering: the New Holocaust.”
