Just like him, many people in the southwest are giving up the drug war for a new life and a fresh start. As the Mexican drug war continues with scores of bodies, drugs, or guns being found in various repositories around the desert, men are walking away from the drug war to pursue other enterprises.

One man from Ciudad Juarez spoke with HLS news service on conditions of anonymity because on the social stigma associated with not running drugs. “There’s good money in drugs,” he says, “but I made loco amounts of cash stealing credit cards last weekend in Dallas… Without a gun!”

Other men have been experimenting with auto theft, forgery, and counterfeiting. Also, many Home Depots have seen a spike in loitering in recent weeks, but authorities say it is unrelated.

To compensate for the loss of machismo in committing these pússy-crímes as they are called in Spanish, these would be drug runners let their anger out in yoga and spinning classes that have become recently affordable for the new middle class criminal.

Some States north of the border have thrown up their arms in the face of the drug madness. Case in point, Arizona’s aw-fuck-it-lets-just-impose-martial-law-law, has forced some Central Americans to go to Universidad or anywhere that is not Arizona. When asked for comment on this growing trend, a leading Mexican drug kingpin said, “Fuck you gringo, drugs are awesome.”

Other gangs have reached out to these drug dealer defectors with job offers. Asian, Italian, Irish and Russian gangs have picked up many of these free agents and put them to work in real money making enterprises such as racketeering, gambling, and politics. But many are sticking to the bread and butter of capitalism: Making money off stupid people.

One recent immigrant living in southern California said, “I can make mucho better money playing Mariachi to drunken suburbanites in my overpriced Mexican restaurants, and now I only put Coke up my butt when I want to.”

8:00 AM

9:00 AM
Skee-Ball tournament. Kick Ass.

10:00 AM
Hungry. Tip over arcade gumball machine. Avoid glass. Nom Nom Nom!

11:00 AM
Coffee with Aaron Sorkin and Chuck Palahniuk. As usual, coffee ends in a fist fight. Another Starbucks ban.

12:00 PM
High noon. Time to (ab)use the Frisbee’s second amendment rights. Gunplay in a city park. Moving targets include: Ryan Seacrest, Vanessa Carlton, Yoko Ono , Carl Rove, Lil’ Wayne, Bret Michaels, and Pat Robertson.

1:00 PM
Down time. Everyone has to take time to sleep, rest, bang Jessica Biel.

2:00 PM
Shooting Gladiator 2 with Ridley Scott.

3:00 PM
Banging Jessica Biel in Gladiator costume. Epic win.

4:00 PM
Guitar lesson from Elvis Costello.

5:00 PM
Shower. In grain alcohol.

6:00 PM
Cumulonimbus Frisbee takes some down time to check out HLS.com on his iPad.

7:00 PM
News Corporation board meeting. Tweet: “Rupert Murdoch’s wife is hot!”

8:00 PM
Dinner of wolf and potato vodka.

9:00 PM
Pre-gaming with Karen O.

10:00 PM
Sex with Karen Oooooohhhhoooooo.

11:00 PM
Drinking contest with Bill Brasky and Jim Coyne.

12:00 AM
President Carter joins drinking game! Slam bam! Vodka shots and haymakers to the former president’s mandible.

2:00 AM
Traditional evening drunk sex with wife, Rosario Dawson.

4:00 AM
Waffle House.

1. “1901” – Phoenix
2. “Hot Like Sauce” – Pretty Lights
3. “Complete Control” – The Clash
4. “Phanton II” – Justice
5. “Bounce” – MSTRKRFT (feat. N.O.R.E.)
6. “E-Pro” – Beck
7. “Kids” – MGMT
8. “Horchata” – Vampire Weekend
9. “Ms. Doorbell” – Adrian Champion (Mos Def/White Stripes Mash-Up)
10. “Here I Come” – The Roots
11. “No Stress” – Laurent Wolf
12. “Too Deep” – Girl Talk
13. “Kid Sister” – Control [JFK Remix]
14. “Body Movin’” -Beastie Boys [Fatboy Slim Remix]
15. “Heads Will Roll” – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
16. “Hyptonize” – Notorious B.I.G.
17. “Bassment Party” – The Cool Kids
18. “New Moon Rising” – Wolfmother
19. “Rebel Rebel” – David Bowie
20. “Stylo” – Gorillaz
21. “We Are Your Friends” – Justice
22. “To Be Young” – Ryan Adams
23. “Daft Punk Is Playing At My House” – LCD Soundsystem

This is just my humble contribution to the musical Diaspora.

The people in the United States have been under assault by a menace that has operated with impunity on our streets for longer than ten years now. The menace in question is an ugly midget-boy named Dwayne Michael Carter. You may know him by his criminal name, Lil’ Wayne. This grimy Louisiana twenty-seven year old has raped our children’s ears with his chart topping, money making pop music, which has been passed off as hip-hop. He is now working on his seventh album called Rebirth that has been delayed more times than Chinese democracy—not the shitty Guns ‘N’ Roses album, the Chinese government have been dragging their feet on implementing the democratic process—and plans to unleash it’s scourge on the population this December. While the law abiding citizens of this great nation will be inside their homes this Christmas listening to real music, we pled the court to ensure that this scalawag be locked away. Additionally, we request that the court turn the lock and throw away the key to the prison recording studio that is. We would like to recommend that the defendant should in his own words “get it how he lives” while he is in prison. Get it in the ass that is. A milli, a milli, a milli, a million times in the ass.

1. Don’t be a douchebag. Upon your return you will have numerous tales of a ‘stranger in a strange land’ that you’ll be surprised to find that not everyone wants to hear. The barista at Starbucks couldn’t care lass that in Florence it is pronounced “caafeea.” You sound like an ass.

2. Reassimilate. That siesta from noon to two that you took in Madrid ends when you step on a flight to JKF. Siesta in America and you’re just a lazy asshat. No one wants to hear about how cultured you were when you drank wine with every meal. You can try to keep up this ritualistic drinking stateside but you’ll be a nonfunctioning alcoholic. There is a reason why you came back to the U.S. For all those who can’t do so, bask in America’s awesomeness.

3. Speak English! This should go without saying but your ability to speak Arabic is a neat cocktail party trick that people will tire of after ten minuets. Nothing screams snooty faux intellectual like speaking all French with similar stuck-ups at the bar.

4. Don’t pose as a scholar. People often take their semester living in another country as full authority to tell everyone how they are viewing the world incorrectly. Your minuscule information on French politics gleaned from a drunk evening in Paris has no bearing on a conversation about the Obama administration.

5. Avoid at all costs saying the following:

• “You really must take the cork out and let the wine breathe before you drink it or else you’re doing it all wrong”

• “I really understand the people of India, and why they live the way they do.”

And the number one thing to avoid saying lest you want to get bitch slapped, by me, long distance:

• “You don’t truly appreciate life in America until you’ve lived in another country.”

Look people, you are still young and in need of lots more reading before you can truly see the whole ball of wax. You are not Indiana Jones.

Prepare for a let down. When you get back home things will be rather humdrum. The good citizens of Michigan are not going to care about the geopolitical climate of Pakistan and India any more than the good people of New Delhi care about the shitty shit hole that is Detroit.

Upon years after your return, you will likely keep your semester abroad close to your heart, as you should. Despite the fuming above, I would suggest that everyone gets out there and do not stop. Seek the mysteries that cannot be found in the town that you grew up in, nor the state, nor the country. For anyone reading this who is not a student, fear not. Bob Shacochis offers some excellent advice that I believe is right up the alley of anyone who cannot listen to another radio pop song. From his article “Become an Expat”:

“Become an expatriate, a victim of self-inflicted exile for a year or two. Sink into an otherness that reflects a reverse image of yourself, wherein lies your identity, or lack of one. Teach English in Japan, aquaculture in the South Pacific, accounting in Brazil. Join the Peace Corps, work in the oil fields of Saudi Arabia, set up a fishing camp on the beach of Uruguay, become a foreign correspondent, study architecture in Istanbul, sell cigarettes in China.”

And upon your return, when only your good friends recognize you, you may find the newspaper readable without cynicism, the television watchable without frustration, and the all too familiar smells to be welcoming. Just as long as your remember the above listed advice rules. And should you find any Dutch speaking brandy sniffing tight ass pontificating about his ski trips in the Alps, you should tell him this:

“Oh you just studied abroad? I study a broad every night, sometimes two!”

The mid-nineties was the heyday of illegitimate sampling, where a young Jay-Z borrowed from Snoop and Nas among others. This time around, Jay brings in an impressive support group including Young Jeezy, Swizz Beats, Alicia Keys, Kanye, Rihanna and relative newcomer, Cleveland native, Kid Cudi.

Jay-Z employs distinguished producers such as Timberland, The Neptunes, Kanye West, and No I.D.  Chicago producer No I.D. puts in work on the “Death of Auto-Tune,” a track that was leaked earlier in the summer with a huge effect. On “D.O.A.” the Brooklyn boy hates hard on Auto-Tuning—an overused musical effect that is now pervasive in the industry—and its users. Inspired by hearing a Wendy’s commercial that was auto-tuned, Jay naturally addresses those commonplace rappers, “Pull your skirt back down, grow a set men.”

No one is quite sure how Jay-Z can blast off about how Auto-Tune is hurting music and then turn around and get produced by Kanye West, who joins Jay on a small folly track called “Hate.” However, the Kanye stain can’t do too much damage to the sick bars and new modern beats on the album.

Check out tracks “A Star is Born” and “Reminder” for the history of hip-hop according to Professor Carter.  The classic Jay-Z flow graces prime tracks like “Off That”, “Empire State of Mind”, and “On To the Next One.” Jay-Z sums up his album, attitude, and accomplishments in a sublime last track titled “Forever Young.”