Hong-Su Chan
Breaking news out of Tampa, Florida.
David Lightfoot, announced as the world’s youngest baby two-and-a-half seconds ago, has been replaced in his capacity by Vietnam’s Hong-Su Chan.
The record is maintained by the Council of Newborn Infants; notoriously regarded by members of the media as the hardest circle to infiltrate in all of the record-holding community. When attempting to cover this earth-shattering story, we learned why.
Chan was unable to comment, as his Mother repeatedly blocked our attempts.
Lightfoot was also unable to comment, supposedly undergoing “surgery” to have his umbilical cord cut.
Committed to bringing our reader’s a story, we did not stop there. Hot Like Sauce correspondent The Watcher went to see Marquis Vanderbilt, presiding officer over the CNI.
Vanderbilt noted that he cannot comment on CNI procedure at this time due to a legal conflict. However, he did use this on-the-record opportunity to make a statement.
David Lightfoot
“David Lightfoot served his tenure as the record holder with grace and integrity. We have no doubt that he will make a great Ambassador, both for the record and the council,” He said.
When we asked about the legal conflict, he reiterated that he could not discuss it, rather referring us to a press conference he held two weeks prior.
It seems that the CNI is in an ongoing legal battle with the Religious Right over the qualifications any hopeful must meet to be named the record holder. The root of the problem is in the Council’s refusal to acknowledge recreational ejaculations as babies.
“Have you ever named stray sperms? Because I know I haven’t,” Vanderbilt said in the press conference.
