In a brutally honest press conference held Saturday, Congressional hopeful Steve Wygman (R-OH) admitted to a few character flaws, hoping that clearing the air of his baggage would allow his campaign to focus solely on the issues.
“As you all know, I will be running for a seat representing the great state of Ohio in the House of Representatives next election cycle,” Wygman began. “Now, I am of the opinion that politics today are based largely on superficial things and are lacking focus on the issues effecting constituencies across America. Due to this, I would like to come clean now.”
All thirty-one reporters present at the conference were on the edges of their seats.
“Firstly, let it be known that I find my future actions to be repulsive and unbecoming of a United States Congressman. I will disgrace myself, my family, the great state of Ohio, and the United States of America. I apologize whole-heartedly for these regrettable circumstances. I will certainly have some self reflection and personal work to do in the future.”
“America should not be shocked when certain things come to light during my tenure in the House. The first of which being the report of me engaging in sexual intercourse with my interns. This will happen almost certainly, gender regardless.”
“There will be rumors circulating that I am performing my duties intoxicated. These rumors will be true. The reasoning behind this is that I enjoy drinking alone, typically scotch, and usually in the early afternoons.”
“I consider myself a man of integrity. I find it absolutely appalling that when a search warrant is inevitably executed on my office, my Ask Jeeves search history will likely be posted on the Drudge Report. My top-four searches will be the following, respectively: ‘Embezzlement of state funds,’ ‘The effects of water on semen,’ ‘Deer jerky,’ and ‘Nazi Memorabilia.’
“Also I hate black people.”
“As I’ve said, I will feel great remorse for my future actions. Be sure to attend my apology press conference in about five years. I’ll be the one in the suit. My wife will be the lady crying by my side. Now on to the issues.”
Councilman Wygman’s campaign strategy is certainly a bold one. Only time will tell how it works out for him.
