Grim Reaper Loses License, Forced to Take Part-Time Job
Those of you who follow the Stock Market have probably noticed; the Grim Reaper is plummeting and share holders can’t seem to sell fast enough. But what’s the reasoning? After all, death is a consistent business.
The Reaper, wearing a t-shirt that had the word “stress” inside of a nix circle, inside of another nix circle, exited the B.B.B. Headquarters Friday flanked by his lawyer. Amidst the media circus, he declined to comment at this time, however his lawyer gave a brief statement.
“Mr. Reaper made a deal with the B.B.B. in which he voluntarily forfeited his license. In exchange, no charges will be pressed on two counts of bribery and one count of soliciting a minor. Mr. Reaper has been cooperative throughout the process and has strong remorse for his actions.”
Hot Like Sauce correspondent The Count then proceeded to fake a heart attack, drawing the Reaper’s attention.
Angry at the fake-out, but complimentary of our commitment to investigative journalism, Grim agreed to a private interview; insisting, however, that it be off the record. After a vast negotiation session, the two parties agreed to terms: one quote of his choosing, and a list of the details behind the charges brought against him.
“I’ve got kids, man,” he said. “These are tough economic times, I need money as much as the next guy. And what with the recent health trends in America, business has been slow.”
Here’s the breakdown:
Bribery, Charge #1: The Reaper sent his son to the local park with one objective: Push the fatties off the jungle gym. In exchange, his son would receive an allowance raise.
Solicitation of a Minor:See Bribery #1.
Bribery, Charge #2:The Reaper traded his priceless collection of cookie jars to Poseidon in a two-year, three-tsunami deal with locations to be named later.
These days, Grimmy is looking to become a more involved parent, taking on the role of stay-at-home Dad. However, he has been forced to take a part time job at a Mexican Restaurant where he intentionally endangers his co-workers and patrons by violating health codes.
“I’ve got kids, man,” he said.