It was an embarrassing spring break for the University of Georgia’s brotherhood Sigma Pi. An official scorecard from the week shows us that in a combined two-hundred-and-thirteen pick up attempts, the Sigma’s recorded a success rate of just under one percent, making it the lowest tail-grossing spring break since the notorious drought of 1913.
So how will one of the nation’s smartest fraternities respond to arguably the most lackluster performance of the Jose Cuervo era? It’s simple, according to Junior Jason Knight.
“It’s not as bad as it sounds. We did manage to be present at eighty-four flashings, that’s eight more than last year. Still, we feel we could use some help.”
So what exactly is the problem?
“We have potential, but we’re raw,” Knight continued. “A few of our guys have gotten laid, and we just got a verbal commitment from an incoming freshman who got a hand job at a football game once, so the future is looking up. But to harness our potential, we need experience. That’s why we went out and added Kipper to next year’s roster.”
Matthew Kipperson, or “Kipper” as he’s known on a number of online spring break forums, is a forty-nine year old veteran of the spring break hook-up game.
Hot Like Sauce correspondent The Watcher caught up with the bandana wearing Kipper during his 7-11 night shift.
“I’m excited to get back to it,” said Kipperson. “You know, they say spring breakers die twice, once when they get the game taken away from them and once when they take their final breath.”
It seemed that Kipperson had already died once seven years ago when a blonde under-grad from UNC declared him a “creepy old dude,” the highest insult a player can receive. But now he’s being revived, albeit in a different capacity.
“Going through what I went through, it really changes your perspective on the game. I don’t want to play selfishly anymore,” Kipper professed. “These kids, these Sigma’s, they could have bright futures with the right guidance. And I plan on giving it to them. I’m going to teach them all of my moves.”
Kipper declined to specify which “moves” he was speaking of, fearing that a rival fraternity, or his mother, may read the article.
“Kipper’s a soft spoken guy, but he’s the real deal. I think his stats speak for themselves.” Knight said confidently.
That they do; Kipper recorded seventeen straight seasons with a success rate above twenty percent, only Wilt Chamberlain and Joe Rogan completed longer streaks. Additionally, he led all of Mexico in assists six times during his career, the most ever.
So for Sigma Pi fans everywhere, feel free to rejoice, the future is bright for your squad. Still, keep expectations in check, it may be a few seasons before this young group does anything considerable for the Hall of Game.
