7:00 AM
Alarm goes off. Realize this is actually Scarlett Johansson’s alarm on the other side of the bed, go back to sleep while she cooks breakfast.
7:22 AM
Scarlett walks in with breakfast wearing nothing but the sports section. Remove the sports section and begin to read while eating.
7:23 AM
Learn from sports section that a bus full of New York Giants fans has driven off a cliff and landed on Charles Barkley. Furthermore, nobody cares.
7:44 AM
Finish breakfast. Take shower with “Team of Jessica’s” (Alba, Biel, Simpson).
8:21 AM
Give in to their constant begging and have a 4-way.
8:30 AM
Scarlett joins. Fine, 5-way, but it has to be hurried, The Watcher has a plane to catch.
8:31 AM
Reschedule flight.
10:45 AM
Hop into stretch limousine. Riding along are Samuel L. Jackson and Jack White.
10:46 AM
Samuel recites all of his lines from all of his movies while Jack plays in the background.
11:55 AM
Arrive at airport, board private jet. Destination: Augusta National Golf Club.
1:30 PM
Arrive at Augusta. The Watcher’s tee time isn’t until 2:00 PM, but Samuel yells at people until it gets moved up.
1:38 PM
Begin round of 18 with Tiger Woods, Samuel L. Jackson, and the Dos Equis most interesting man in the world. Morgan Freeman narrates.
6: 42 PM
Finish round with a satisfactory score of 61.
6:45 PM
Tiger admits that he didn’t count a stroke on the 11th. The Watcher is the winner. Everybody boards Tiger’s private jet to head back to his place.
6:46 PM
[Editor's Note: Due to the family-oriented nature of Hot Like Sauce, the "Tiger's Place" portion of a day in The Watcher's life has been removed for content. We'll just tell you that it involved 12 blonde bimbos, 11 rotating chairs, 10 paintball guns, 9 packs of cigarettes, 8 strobe lights, 7 well known paintings, 6 wild hens, 5 large sombreros, 4 crutches, 3 potential endorsements, 2 all out fist fights, and one brief cameo by Bill Murray]
2:44 AM
Very tired, heading home now. Turn on the news in the helicopter. Breaking News: Lil Wayne has been in a car accident, suffering severe head trauma which will make him incapable of making even semi-decent rap in the future.
2:46 AM
Follow up story: This is the second time Lil Wayne has suffered this same injury. The first was at birth.
3:21 AM
Arrive home. It has been a boring day so the Watcher decides to write an article for Hot Like Sauce.
3:35 AM
Send text message to Steele: “Article Sent.”
3:36 AM
Receive text message from Steele: “Article Received.”
3:37 AM
Receive text message from Steele: “Who do you think is the hottest Scrubs girl? Elliot, Carla, or Jordan?”
3:37 AM
Decide that these options are not sufficient as it is clearly Heather Graham. Don’t respond.
4:00 AM
Jump in bed with Scarlett, Jessica’s, and friends. Turn on Sports Center while falling asleep.
4:02 AM
Learn that a second bus hit Charles Barkley while he was on his way to the hospital.
4:03 AM
Learn that it was Lil Wayne’s tour bus. [Author's Note: Don't you love when all of the loose ends come together just in time?]
4:15 AM
Fall asleep contently in a Charles Barkley-less world.
