8:00 AM
Steele wakes up to his personal DJ playing The Black Crowe’s “My Morning Song”. Recalls the awesomeness of last night, chuckles.
8:15 AM
Elisha Cuthbert, Mila Kunis, and Zooey Deschanel make him coffee and breakfast… naked. DJ plays Tech N9ne’s “I’m A Playa” in the background as Steele recalls last nights lengthy coitus sessions.
9:00 AM
Steele rendezvous with Barney Stinson and The Watcher to pick out their suits for the day.
9:30 AM
Barney, The Watcher, and Steele commend each other on how awesome they look in their suits. DJ plays ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man” in the background as all three do a series of high fives and fist bumps, look in the mirror, then cry and group hug.
10:00 AM
Surfing with Eddie Vedder to blow off steam. Jack Johnson tries to join in; surprisingly he shows some skill on a surf board, unlike a guitar.
12:00 PM
Nooner with Taylor Swift & Autumn Reeser. DJ plays John Mayer albums for the duration, although helpful with the ladies, he is punished later.
(Ladies: Note how long the nooner is. Yeah.)
3:00 PM
Steele wonders why the rest of the world hasn’t figured out that Lady Gaga is an ugly, untalented, “entertainer”.
4:00 PM
Steele walks around the mall with Jeremy Piven as he berates people in character as Ari Gold.
6:00 PM
Checks the Who’s Hotter? Alba vs Biel poll on Hot Like Sauce. Argues with Dr. Propaganda that Biel is in fact much hotter.
7:00 PM
While watching Jeopardy! Steele answers all questions correctly before Alex Trebek even finished reading the clue.
7:45 PM
Meeting with Robert Plant. Attempt #73 to persuade him to join Page, Jones, and Jason Bonham on Led Zeppelin reunion tour… Failure #73.
9:00 PM
Mediation session with Roger Waters and David Gilmour. No progress, might as well be 1984 again. DJ plays War’s “Why Can’t We Be Friends” in the background, only complicates things further. Steele fires the DJ.
10:00 PM
Jam session with Eric Clapton, Jack White, and Warren Haynes. Steele just listens and requests songs.
11:15 PM
Sidebar with Jack White in an attempt to have him return to The White Stripes or The Raconteurs.
11:30 PM
Steele gets excited to watch Conan only to remember the fucking moron Jeff Zucker screwed up NBC late night programming for America.
11:37 PM
Turns off Conan re-run, remembers watching this one while banging Diane Kruger.
12:00 AM
Steele decides to have an impromptu house party for the HLS staff members. Daft Punk agrees to replace fired DJ.
12:45 AM
During “Robot Rock”, Steele drunk dials LCD Soundsystem to repeatedly inform them, “Daft Punk is playing at my house!”
2:15 AM
Daft Punk leaves after Cumulonimbus Frisbee will not stop insisting they take their helmets off.
2:30 AM
Steele hires a new personal DJ.
3:00 AM
Steele drunk dials January Jones and does his best Don Draper impression. Surprisingly, booty call successful.
4:00 AM
January Jones tells Steele he was way better than Ashton Kutcher ever was. The DJ plays Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick” in the background as Steele makes mental note to steal Demi Moore from Ashton tomorrow.
4:30 AM
Steele drifts asleep while the DJ plays Parliament’s “Maggot Brain”.
4:53 AM
Steele, sleeping peacefully, has happy dreams about killing Lil Wayne, Bono, and half the hipster population.
