America is a nation of conformity, careers, conservatives, and cholesterol concerns. To a young person who has been exposed to this long enough, everyday life can be somewhat unexciting. Therefore, it is no wonder why going to study abroad is appealing. So for all you young globe trotting students out there, and those who must endure you, I offer a guide on how to return to the United States after a semester in another country without being banished from you homeland.
1. Don’t be a douchebag. Upon your return you will have numerous tales of a ‘stranger in a strange land’ that you’ll be surprised to find that not everyone wants to hear. The barista at Starbucks couldn’t care lass that in Florence it is pronounced “caafeea.” You sound like an ass.
2. Reassimilate. That siesta from noon to two that you took in Madrid ends when you step on a flight to JKF. Siesta in America and you’re just a lazy asshat. No one wants to hear about how cultured you were when you drank wine with every meal. You can try to keep up this ritualistic drinking stateside but you’ll be a nonfunctioning alcoholic. There is a reason why you came back to the U.S. For all those who can’t do so, bask in America’s awesomeness.
3. Speak English! This should go without saying but your ability to speak Arabic is a neat cocktail party trick that people will tire of after ten minuets. Nothing screams snooty faux intellectual like speaking all French with similar stuck-ups at the bar.
4. Don’t pose as a scholar. People often take their semester living in another country as full authority to tell everyone how they are viewing the world incorrectly. Your minuscule information on French politics gleaned from a drunk evening in Paris has no bearing on a conversation about the Obama administration.
5. Avoid at all costs saying the following:
- “You really must take the cork out and let the wine breathe before you drink it or else you’re doing it all wrong”
- “I really understand the people of India, and why they live the way they do.”
And the number one thing to avoid saying lest you want to get bitch slapped, by me, long distance:
- “You don’t truly appreciate life in America until you’ve lived in another country.”
Look people, you are still young and in need of lots more reading before you can truly see the whole ball of wax. You are not Indiana Jones.
Prepare for a let down. When you get back home things will be rather humdrum. The good citizens of Michigan are not going to care about the geopolitical climate of Pakistan and India any more than the good people of New Delhi care about the shitty shit hole that is Detroit.
Upon years after your return, you will likely keep your semester abroad close to your heart, as you should. Despite the fuming above, I would suggest that everyone gets out there and do not stop. Seek the mysteries that cannot be found in the town that you grew up in, nor the state, nor the country. For anyone reading this who is not a student, fear not. Bob Shacochis offers some excellent advice that I believe is right up the alley of anyone who cannot listen to another radio pop song. From his article “Become an Expat”:
“Become an expatriate, a victim of self-inflicted exile for a year or two. Sink into an otherness that reflects a reverse image of yourself, wherein lies your identity, or lack of one. Teach English in Japan, aquaculture in the South Pacific, accounting in Brazil. Join the Peace Corps, work in the oil fields of Saudi Arabia, set up a fishing camp on the beach of Uruguay, become a foreign correspondent, study architecture in Istanbul, sell cigarettes in China.”
And upon your return, when only your good friends recognize you, you may find the newspaper readable without cynicism, the television watchable without frustration, and the all too familiar smells to be welcoming. Just as long as your remember the above listed advice rules. And should you find any Dutch speaking brandy sniffing tight ass pontificating about his ski trips in the Alps, you should tell him this:
“Oh you just studied abroad? I study a broad every night, sometimes two!”
