Let’s Take A Moment: Kanye West

Kanye West – noun
Mediocre rapper who also happens to be an arrogant prick most of the time. Has shitty taste in music.

“Kanye West loves John Mayer and Maroon 5.”

Urban Dictionary – Feb 25, 2006

I’d like to take a moment to review the several ways in which Kanye West is a douche bag.

Let’s begin with appearance. What is with those ridiculously unnecessary sunglasses?  I mean you can almost smell the douchiness radiating from them.  I cannot imagine any productive use of these glasses besides incorporating them into my douche bag costume for Halloween. Someone needs to explain to the Gay Fish glasses serve two purposes: improving your vision, and blocking sunlight. Kanye has managed to impair his vision by placing horizontal bars across both eyes. Seriously can he even see out of those? As if the bars weren’t enough, he wears them on his Glow In The Dark Tour . . . in the fucking dark. They probably help his ego block out the crowd so he can envision how amazing retarded he looks performing. Seriously there is no excuse for these glasses, Stevie Wonder couldn’t pull them off.

For being the self proclaimed voice of our generation he certainly didn’t consult with us before saying, “Can’t we give Chris [Brown] a break? I know I make mistakes in life.” I guess he felt the need to defend his kind; and by kind I am referring to douche bags, not black people you racist asshole. But really, beating the shit out of your girlfriend in a drunken rage is classified as a mistake? I thought “a mistake” is what you would call auto-tune ridden albums like 808s & Heartbreak; I guess we’ll just have to demote that piece of trash to atrocity.

Kanye also appears to have his head so far up his own ass he doesn’t realize how brainless some of his lyrics are.

Exhibit A: “Don’t ever fix up your lips like collagen, Say somethin’ where you gon’ end up apologin’”
Honestly? Apparently removing letters from anywhere in the word is ok if you stick an apostrophe at the end. He must have famously dropped out of before they taught contractions, actually, no, before the basis of the English language. Most people would think apologin is an off brand of collagen, if it happened to be a real fucking word.

Exhibit B: “People talk so much about me in barber shops, they forget to get they hair cut”
Wow.  Valid point here. I can imagine a barber showing someone this picture and the person responding with, “No I don’t want to look like a douche bag,” as they proceed to leave before the barber carves crop circles into their head.

Exhibit C: “Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger.”
For the entire song he is definitely, without a doubt, saying she’s a gold digger. Again with the definitions … mistake … gold digger … someone get this moron a dictionary so he can stop raping the English language, Jesus Christ.

Oops sorry Kanye, by Jesus Christ I didn’t mean you. Just want to clear that up because apparently you think you are some sanctified leader of the world.

“I’m an inspirational speaker. I changed the sound of music more than one time… For all those reasons, I’d be a part of the Bible.”

“The Bible had, you know, 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible?”

No you pretentious cunt I don’t think you would be in the bible.  You release three mediocre albums and somehow equate yourself to a religious figure?  He must have a tiny brain inside that big ass head of his.  Adding Kanye to the bible would make it an even bigger crock of shit. And as far as the modern day bible goes, sorry Kanye, you’re out of the loop. It’s called Illmatic.

Bonnaroo 2008. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Douche of the universe is scheduled to perform at 2:45am after Pearl Jam. However, Kanye refuses to go on until 4:30am for two reasons.

1. Phil Lesh & Friends are still playing and he wants everyone to be at his show.
2. He says it is not dark enough for his Glow In The Dark Tour stage setup.

First of all, everyone who prefers good music like Phil Lesh & Friends doesn’t give two shits about Kanye whether he’s the only act performing or not. And not dark enough? You have to be kidding me. The sun sets at about 9:30pm in the summer you pompous fuck. By the time you go onstage the sun is beginning to rise, while your original slated time is literally in the middle of the night.  Moron.  Needless to say the 60,000 fans left after Pearl Jam dwindled to a lonely 500 after two hours of waiting.  Fuck I hate douche bags.

These are not personal opinions.  I am not alone.

The masses have spoken. Kanye West, you sir are a douche bag.